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4/16/98 I tend to minimize, ignore or forget what I’m going thru and often choose not to share it with my doctor. Last time I saw you I refused to talk about surgery and did not tell you everything going on with me. So I wrote it down this time cuz I need help. In ’89 I had a horrific breakdown remembering repeated rape by my father thruout childhood. My father died years earlier. My breakdown was not psychotic. I had it at home, the worst over 3 days and nights with my 1st husband’s help. I was in therapy at the time, she wisely chose not to commit me - it worked out. My mother said I would thank her one day for having kept the secrets. My 14 years older sister had her breakdown remembering 30 years earlier when I was 7 years old, moved back home as a single mom with 4 daughters 1 year after her breakdown. My sister’s 2 oldest daughters had their breakdowns remembering before I did and had been coerced by my mother and sister to continue to keep the secrets. One of those daughter’s had a pre-schooler who’d been molested by her own father, vaginal infection, describing oral sex, his roommate a convicted pedophile, my little grand niece did not share that info with CPS and he wasn’t convicted. My sister convinced her daughter that visitation must continue cuz that is "after all her father" repeating a decision she herself had made 30 years earlier. I was disowned by my extended family cuz in my sister’s words, "No one has ever been so loud about it before." I was in therapy 9 months, in ACOA Incest Survivors some years, facilitated rage and grief self-help workshops, and continue to give and get support from fellow survivors. http://www.mbwfamily.com/incest - my webpage offers a lot of support to me and fellow survivors. I share this with you cuz I have PTSD and my latest symptom is waking up like clockwork at 4am and not going back to sleep until it’s safe at 6am. This has been going on for months and the sleep deprivation has been too much. I also wake up having been clenching my jaw in my sleep (I have TMJ from that same car accident) and have a horrible debilitating headache from my shoulders up thru my neck, over my head and into my right eye. I believe in my sleep the flashbacks occur. Another symptom is the recurring dreams of my mother dying (she’s 89), her refusal to reconcile, and of my extended family. The car accident causing the neck injury I have was several months before my breakdown. All stress goes to my neck injury. I used to be excellent at ignoring pain. I never made a sound during 4 labors delivering my children. After the car accident, the orthopedist used to ask me, "Doesn’t that hurt?" I’d say no. He’d touch a spot. It hurt. But I could forget about the hurt the moment it happened. I’m more conscious since my breakdown and do not have the skill to ignore the pain like I used to. However, I still often choose not to share about it and not to seek help for it with anyone other than survivors or friends in recovery. Typing all day at work, terrible stress from work and home, is causing unbearable neck and headache pain. The day I got this burn, all I wanted was for the pain to go away. My usual ice pack was not in the freezer. I had thrown in the freezer my grandson’s ice pack from Sears when he got a bump on the head. I didn’t read the directions. It’s a chemical ice pack that is not supposed to be reused. Yesterday I again experienced the spots before my eyes that grow and disrupt my vision. That’s what happened before the 2nd time in my life numbness on my left side that brought me to urgent care several months ago where it appeared I was having a stroke cuz I was also slurring my words. That was the last time I saw you. 10 years ago going thru my breakdown, was the first time I experienced my left side going numb. The nurse at the burn treatment center said I have a chemical 3rd degree burn, not frostbite as was written in my chart. I did not feel the burn at all when it happened, Thu 4/9/98, or several days afterwards. Then it hurt when med was put on it. Now it hurts and is annoying. The nurse at the burn treatment center checked my blood pressure morn and afternoon. It was high every morn - around 143/100 is what she said? Normal by afternoon. She said sleep deprivation can cause high blood pressure and I better talk it over with you. I didn’t tell her my incest history. I need:
it knocks me out, I take all of it at night cuz finally I’m sleeping thru the night.
I am way on overwhelm cuz work is terrible, and the same time the burn happened, my 20 year marriage ex e-mailed that he left the woman he’d left me for, wanted to tell me all about it and give me details but doesn’t trust me. I e-mailed him "why would you need to tell me more, and why would I need details?" A week after he left the woman, he proposed to a new woman. She has 4 kids the same age as ours, about 10-24 years old. My adult kids flipped out and we’ve had our own ‘breakdown’ and recovery intensely for several days now. We’ve been healing extremely deep wounds regarding incest history, their dad leaving, more recent history. On top of that, my 2nd husband has been laid off as of 4/9/98 because the company he was working for has been bought out by a bigger company. This intensity is what it was like before my breakdown in ’89. I’m not going to have another breakdown. I need a break (?!?). Please sign me off of work til I see the neurosurgeon. Cheryl Miller
So she signed me off for 2 months. She was wonderful. We'll get my blood pressure down first, then make sure the burn is healed, then begin visits to the neur0surgeon to see about my neck. However she said 3 things that were inappropriate: You need therapy to get over the incest, don't just work with fellow survivors' on your recovery cuz they're stuck in the incest, and don't cry. I gently declined agreeing to those statements, and she did not pursue the issue. In '89 my orthopedist said that my going thru my breakdown had nothing to do with my left side going numb. He said emotional stress could not affect my neck injury. I knew it did. I worked hard and feverishly to address my issues because he was threatening emergency neck surgery. Oprah just had a show about children of dysfunctional mothers. One of the authors said that only about 30% of mental illness or breakdown victims recover. Those who do recover often dealt creatively with their recovery until THEY felt finished with it - by writing a book, creative arts, drama, (or creating webpages). 30% goes with my theory that only 1 or 2 out of a dysfunctional family seem to choose recovery. If you're reading these pages, you've chosen to pursue recovery. We're in the minority. Often even doctors make errors in telling us what we need. Please TCOMFing.
BTW, the best prices were on Trader Joe's private labels. Then try Sav-On private labels, Costco private labels, the swap meet. Dr Weil has excellent info.
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