Forgiveness Project Book

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In association with all the books recommended by Don't Fall Until You See the Whites of Their Lies.

2002

My eldest daughter was molested by her paternal uncle for three years.

I confronted my in-laws, and learned my husband, the eldest, had raped his four years younger halfsister as a teenager. His sister went on to rape or molest her four and more years younger four brothers. One of them had a breakdown at age twenty-one remembering, but didn't tell anyone at the time. They all disowned me.

My husband didn't remember raping his sister.

Two months later I had a breakdown at age thirty-five remembering repeated rape by my father, who had died ten years earlier. My mother said, “One day you’ll thank me for having kept these secrets.” My eldest sister had a breakdown at age twenty-one remembering more than thirty years earlier, when my twin and I were seven years old. My sister confronted both parents over the phone for several weeks. Her therapist was not obliged to report the abuse. My sister moved back home several years later a single mom with four daughters. Two of those daughters had breakdowns in adulthood remembering before I did.

A year before my breakdown remembering, my niece’s five year old daughter was watching a tv public service ad about bad touch. Her mom was one of my niece’s who’d had a breakdown remembering before I did. My little grandniece described to her mom oral sex, had a vaginal infection, and her father’s roommate was a convicted pedophile, but she wouldn’t tell CPS what she told her mom, so her father wasn’t convicted. My sister convinced her daughter that my little grandniece must continue visitation because, “After all, that is her father.” My sister was repeating a decision she’d made for herself thirty years earlier.

My twin had a psychotic break ten years before my breakdown about missing our dad after he died. My twin told me at the time that she had something special between her and dad that she couldn’t tell me about, “It’s a secret, ” she said. She was told to get into therapy. She didn’t.

All of my family disowned me.

My husband eventually had a breakdown remembering raping his sister.

A month later my husband denied ever telling me what he remembered and he demanded an immediate divorce from our twenty year marriage. The years after the divorce were very ugly in many ways on his part.

Eventually my ex sobbed to me about his stepdad's death, and told me that on his deathbed, his stepdad admitted to molesting my ex. My ex tearfully asked me to give him a break regarding support issues.

A month later my ex denied ever telling me that.

Since my breakdown remembering the first niece experienced another breakdown a few years ago. The second niece was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and died in a fire at age 40. The third niece remembered and sued my mother who settled out of court. The fourth niece, who’d angrily accused me of being full of evil, filth and hate for talking about this stuff, died of lung cancer at age 37.

2000 I learned my mother was dreaming about me and missing me. I called my mother after not talking to her since 1989. She was cold and unfeeling. She admitted she did miss me, but said she'd only talk to me if I had changed my mind about what happened.

My little grandniece, now a teenager, became curious and snuck a peek at my website, learning that she’d been molested at age 5. My family was enraged exclaiming that my grandniece has a “good” relationship with her father now. I’m hoping that my grandniece will not allow her future children to be left alone with her father.

I speak, write and perform on the subject. I share my story to show how victims’ silence helps the crime move on thru the next generation.

These days I can speak about the process of forgiveness for me, the peace I’m feeling now, and I’m happily married the second time, mother of four, stepmother of two, grandmother of six.

This is a poem by an incest survivor, Martha Janssen, regarding forgiveness…

Forgiveness

There are those who expect me to forgive

to let charitable kindness and reason

wash over me

like a rushing stream

over jagged rocks --

to forgive

now.

Seventy times seven --

the command may mean more

than first appears