"We are afraid of the things we don't have boundaries about...boundaries give us potency, protection and permission." ACOA Incest Survivors Healing Your Sexual Self Meeting

(potency - strength to deal with our relationships, protection from what we don't want, permission to let the good stuff in...)

Beginning to Establish Personal Boundaries

Our personal boundaries influence how we feel about ourselves and how we relate to everyone else. Boundaries represent the psychological dividing lines between us and other people. They are important because they allow us to maintain a healthy sense of self as an individual - - separate from everyone else. Without this sense, we cannot achieve balance or maintain our own values and goals while encountering the influences and emotions of others.

Blurred or damaged boundaries are generally the result of having grown up in a family in which personal boundaries were either unclear or nonexistent, for instance, we may have been led to believe that our feelings and behaviors should always reflect those of a parent. (BE LIKE ME.) Or perhaps in our family of origin there was invasive behavior; lack of privacy or physical/emotional/sexual abuse. When individuality is not respected, boundaries don’t exist.

In our codependency we often become so consumed with another’s behavior and problems that we lose our own direction, as well as our sense of self. Our self-esteem improves – and our relationships improve – when we learn how to build stronger personal boundaries. We’re unable to experience healthy intimacy without healthy boundaries. For instance, if I don’t know which emotions are mine and which are someone else’s – or if I think the other person’s opinions are always right – I’m unable to hear the messages that my mind and body are sending me about what is true for me and what is not. To be healthy, I must know my own feelings and my own opinions.

You can begin to reclaim your boundaries by learning to establish limits. There are times when it’s appropriate to say:

THIS BEHAVIOR IS OKAY WITH ME, BUT THIS OTHER BEHAVIOR IS NOT OKAY.

I’LL THINK ABOUT IT.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

There are times when words are ineffective, and setting limits means walking out the door – or taking the time to meet your own needs rather than the demands of another person.

The first step in defining your personal boundaries is learning to perceive the differences between you and those you love. When you’ve become so merged with someone that you’ve lost your sense of self and feel that the other person’s feelings and actions are your own, you inevitably end up thinking that you’re responsible for their actions –

ABUSE ALCOHOLISM AFFAIRS DEPRESSION CRIMINALITY

and that these actions reflect some failing or flaw in you. In order to recover your lost sense of identity as a separate self, you need to realize that you’re not responsible for anyone else’s actions or even for their reaction to your actions. They alone are responsible for their actions and reactions.

When you begin to realize that the actions and reactions of others are not caused by you – that you’re a separate person and that everyone else is, too – you’ll have a solid basis on which to define your own personal boundaries. These boundaries represent the limits to which we feel comfortable in various situations.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LETTING YOUR BOUNDARIES BE OVERWHELMED BY OTHERS AND LOSING YOURSELF WHEN:

1. You ignore your own feelings, while feeling someone else’s feelings very intensely.

2. You rescue someone with no thought of your own safety and well-being.

3. You take orders from someone who’s telling you what to do, even when you know that the action you’re taking as a result is not the best one for you

4. You pretend that your opinions and interests match someone else’s, when in fact they differ.

5. You become sexually involved with someone before you’re ready, just to please that person.

6. You accept the other person's point of view while discounting your own.

7. You change your plans at the last minute to suit the whims of a new lover or friend.

8. You give endlessly of your time, talents, money, and services

9. You blame yourself for someone else's drunkenness, rudeness, thoughtlesseness, or irresponsibility.

YOU CAN TELL YOU'RE BEGINNING TO STRENGTHEN YOUR BOUNDARIES WHEN:

1. You act on feelings when you need to.

2. You can say no when you want to without experiencing tidal waves of guilt.

3. You generally do precisely what you want to do rather than depending on the suggestions of others.

4. You no longer blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in a relationship or friendship.

5. You no longer feel responsible for making a relationship work or making another person happy.

6. You don't take things personally. If a friend is incosiderate or a partner has a wandering eye, you know the behavior has to do with them and their history and has little or nothing to do with you.

7. You disagree with a friend and yet are able to maintain your friendship.

8. You relaize you're not responsible for the actions of another.

9. You become comfortable in receiving as well as giving.

TECHNIQUES FOR RECLAIMING YOUR SENSE OF IDENTITY

1. STAY WITH YOUR FEELING - Allow yourself to feel it fully. Remind yourself that it's none of your business what the other person is feeling.

2. EXPRESS YOUR EMOTIONS - You have a right to express all your emotions. Say how you feel out loud. Share your feelings with others at every opportunity.

3. STATE YOUR PREFERENCES - "I'd rather eat at a different restaurant." "I would prefer to take my own car." This helps you to maintain clarity about your own choices and priorities.

4. SET LIMITS - "I can drive you to your class this week, but I can't drive you every week." "I love you, but I can't come over tonight; I have to study."

These limits will help you give to others within healthy boundaries, so that you don't overextend yourself.

Don't be afraid to disagree with someone. Acknowledge the other person's opinion and restate your own. Don't resort to pretending or accomodating in order to keep the peace.

Talk about your own experience, such as how you handled such an incident, rather than how the other person ought to do it.

5. HAND THE PROBLEM BACK TO ITS ORIGINATOR:

That's a tough decision, but I'm sure you'll be able to figure it out.

EXERCISE

Part 1

This exercise asks you to think about your family of origin and remember various situations to determine if your personal boundaries were violated. Select a partner (preferably someone you don't know), and discuss your responses to the following questions:

1. In childhood, did you ever feel as if you were merging into someone else, as if two of you had become one? For instance, did someone say:

2. Was this feeling of merged identities pleasant or unpleasant for you?

3. When you were little, did other family members refuse to respect your privacy? For instance, did anyone:

4. Was there one person in your family who trampled on everyone else's boundaries?

5. Did someone in your family always presume to know how you were feeling or what you were thinking?

6. did your parents deny you the right to be an individual because they felt the family as a whole was more important than any one member?

7. When you first attempted to leave home or separate from your family, did they continue to interfere with your actions and decisions?

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