The following is paraphrased from the book Emotional Blackmail by Dr. Susan Forward:
"Saying the Right Thing"
It's not difficult to anticipate the responses of someone you know well, but you may not know how to choose words that will dampen the emotion of the exchange. Here are some specific answers for the most common situations. Practice saying them until they feel natural to you.
| Category | When they say | You say |
| Denial: If the other person is unable to comprehend the concept of emotional blackmail, don't waste a lot of time arguing or persuading. | "I've never done that." "Are you crazy? How can you say such a thing?" "Why should I apologize for something I didn't do?" | "I'm sure that's what you believe." "It's possible that we remember the same events very differently." "Just because you don't remember it doesn't mean it didn't happen." |
| Catastrophic predictions: Punishing types may try to pressure you by bombarding you with visions of extremely negative consequences. | "If you don't take care of me, I'll end up in the street." "You'll never see your kids again." "I'll make you suffer." | "That's your choice." "I know you're very angry right now. We can talk later." "Threats aren't going to work." |
| Name-calling, Labeling: Defending yourself will set you up for a pointless exchange. Instead, take a deep breath and ignore those feelings of guilt and anger. Right now, what matters isn't what you feel but what you say. | "You are so selfish." "I thought you were different. I guess I was wrong." "You're a complete idiot." | "You're entitled to your opinion." "That could be." "We'll never get anywhere if you continue to insult me." |
| The Deadly Whys and Hows: Don't get caught up in the details of your disagreement. Your conflict is not really about, say, where to take the vacation: It's about a pattern of behavior in which she needs to get her way and you give in. Don't argue, don't explain, don't defend. | "Why are you ruining my life like this?" "Why are you being so stubborn?" "What's come over you?" | "I knew you wouldn't be happy, but this is the way it has to be." "there are no villains here. We just want different things." "I know how upset you are, but this is not negotiable." |
| A new book by Susan Forward Toxic In-Laws |
"Here are some more
nondefensive responses you can use the next time you're being attacked or
criticized or find yourself in the middle of a donnybrook:
*And you're telling me this because...? |
|
A woman goes to see her priest; she is very distraught and crying . "My
husband called me a whore."
The priest says "Are you a whore ?" "NO !!"
"Well, if your husband called you a chair, would you be here crying?"
The power we give to one word or one person;
I let other people define me when I am not centered in myself.
"OK, I'm going to say that again...and again...I am not a chair...IANAC...ianoc" Brenda
Other important words:
| I need sometime to think about that. If you need an answer immediately then my answer is no. I need a break. I don't want to talk about this right now. I'll let you know when I'm willing to talk about it. "Reply to the attempted attack, "I
have nothing to say to that." This cuts off the contagious effect of the negative
assault...prevents them from drawing you in as their victim...then you will know when to
speak the sentence aloud to other people and when to convey the message silently by your
facial expression and general manner." Conquer Anxiety
and Frustration by Vernon Howard Ever lose an argument even though you knew you were right? It's not uncommon: Many of the people you deal with every day don't know anything, but have mastered enough rhetoric to talk a fly off a dunghill. The answer is to call their disputatious bluff--and Stephen's Guide to the Logical Fallacies.
PSYCHOLOGICAL GAMES are far less predictable and ostensibly "personal" ways of interacting. Examples of Statements Which Can Signal the START of a "Game": 1) "Isn't this a lousy place to work?" 2) "You don't love me anymore...." 3) "Why do you always _______" In all "games" the response will be rather strong agreement or disagreement, and will be taken personally. Each person will feel that something important is at stake, but they will avoid feeling "connected" or intimate with each other - which is what they feared from the beginning as "too risky." <><><> INTIMACY IS DIRECT AND INTENSE CONTACT between people. Neither person thinks they know what's going to happen next, although they both deeply want it to be good and deeply fear that it will be bad. When attempts at intimacy go poorly, we feel horrible. When attempts at intimacy go well, we feel so good that the only thing we can say about it is something like: "WOW! That was GREAT!" Examples Looking deeply into the other person's eyes as they look into yours. Sharing your darkest secrets with a friend, and being totally accepted.
Have you every wondered why people play so many "psychological games"? Now you know. Most people are afraid of the risks of intimacy - but they still want and need "strokes." As nasty as psychological games can be, and as unfulfilling as they usually are, people keep trying them because there IS a major payoff compared to everything except intimacy. And only the healthiest among us are willing to risk true intimacy. |
I
tend to fold down important pages and hilite important words and tools. Most of this book
is folded and hilited.
rating=10:
"This book validates many lessons I learned the hard way because of my family of
origin incest history, child support and custody issues, work issues and so on. You
don’t have to learn on your own without any direction. This book offers real tools
that you can use to deal with the difficult people in your life."
Check out his site.
