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| Listen to the
Heart : Creating Intimate Families Through the Power of Unconditional Love I used this book to learn how to deal with difficult family and choose a new family. It's out of print but Amazon will search for it. This book is worth it. |
 How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and
Avoid Those That Aren't"The authors offer solid guidance for making safe choices in relationships, from friendships to romance. They help readers identify the nurturing people they need in their lives--and people they need to learn to avoid. The authors point out 20 traits of relationally untrustworthy people and explain how to avoid getting entangled with them, how you may be attracting "unsafe" people, and how to develop positive relationships." |
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Creating
Love by John BradshawToday I had an ah ha moment: I opened up a book I've looked at over and over again. However I never let this part sink in. This describes so much what I've experienced from my daughter, Tara: "The internalized parent can also be maintained in a degraded image. ...Mom is distorted and monsterlike. Often, they are retained as totally evil or totally degraded. The mystified wounded child holds on to them in waves of recurring resentment... Neither idealized nor degraded images are accurate. And in the process of separation (recovery) we will have to demythologize these images... Key elements in mystification: Magical: ...They believe that certain magical actions, behaviors, words or rituals will bring instant happiness. Marriage is a magical act for many mystified people. They believe that just getting married will solve all their problems... Shame Based: Being mystified is rooted in toxic shame binds...Toxic shame tries to be more than human (shameless)...compulsively perfectionistic... Trancelike Existence: ...Mystified people wear a frozen or trancelike mask, which often confuses others. The mystified tend to overreact or underreact. More often than not, their response is inappropriate. Their vocabularies are parrotlike, and since they are not really present, they do not listen well...mystified people either overly conform or overly rebel... Fantastic Imagination: ... The mystified use both positive and negative hallucinations as survival mechanisms ... Abandoning source figures may also be degraded in fantastic ways (me)...These images lead to inhuman and unrealistic expectations. Such expectations are devastating in any kind of relationship... Cognitive Closure: Because mystified people are in a trance, they are mentally fixated. This mental fixation, known as cognitive closure, causes rigidity and great loss of flexibility and freedom...cognitive closure aids the denial process... Time Distortion: ...Mystified people overreact to and distort interactions or events, especially those that are painful. The mystified are hypervigilant, catastrophic in their thinking, and easily startled. These qualities are PTSD traits. The time distortion and other distortions of the mystified make relationships very difficult. Inability to Respond: Inability to respond leads to failure to deal with ongoing life issues. Mystified persons either lack responsibility or are overly responsible (my daughter). They definitely are not balanced in this regard ... Overesponsibility and underresponsibility are evidence of the deep disorder of will that characterizes mystification. Negative and Positive Hallucinations: Mystified people literally see and hear things that are not there. They project unwanted parts of themselves...Because they are stuck in the past, they do not see the facts that surround them. They are delusional, that is, they believe things in spite of the facts." |
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 Booklist
Gr. 7-12. Voigt's searing portrait of a teenage incest victim tells of one day in the life
of 17-year-old Tish, who has been raped by her stepfather. At a breaking point, Tish
threatens him with a knife at the breakfast table, screams uncontrollably in her afternoon
gym class, and, finally, walks through the walls of silence and denial when she tells a
lawyer, her classmate's father, the truth. The author accurately portrays both the girl's
chaotic emotional life and her mental disorientation. Also well delineated is Tish's
dissociation and chronic shame. As Tish makes her way through her day, she must constantly
negotiate with people in her environment as well as with her own shattered and
unpredictable psyche so that no one can guess her terrible secret. Yet armed with
knowledge and the beginnings of trust in both herself and her lawyer, at the novel's end
she faces not only her stepfather, but also the consequences of telling the truth, thus
transforming herself from victim to survivor. Voigt is unsparing in depicting the
ruination of a teenage girl's life. Unlike several other young adult novels about incest,
this one is told in strong language from the victim's point of view. Its resulting
immediacy is harrowing |
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| My favorite Vernon Howard books and pamphlets, I read them, hilited them, many, many times: 1500 Ways to Escape the Human Jungle "Reply to the attempted attack, "I have nothing to say to
that." This cuts off the contagious effect of the negative assault...prevents them
from drawing you in as their victim...then you will know when to speak the sentence aloud
to other people and when to convey the message silently by your facial expression and
general manner." "At an airport, two women who were strangers fell into a conversation about
their men. Said one, 'If he only knew what would make me love him.' The other nodded.
'Mine's weak too.' They smiled sadly at each other. Remember that a weak man thrives on
unsolved problems. He is the last to initiate solutions. Why? Because answers require
desertion from comfortable cowardice. He won't risk blame. What should you do with all
this? Let it sink in." |
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4/28/98
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